Note: This post is better enjoyed with the music if you want to listen to the songs the characters are enjoying. These are included in the post.
Will remembered the night that he had killed his ex-girlfriend, Isabella, and somehow he thought he still felt her ghost sometimes, when he was out hunting, or even was he was alone on the couch late at night, with the fire crackling, and he was constantly driving, across the state and the country, trying desperately to escape her, but she seemed to follow him everywhere, whispering in his ear that he would do it again, and the only way he could ever feel any semblance of relief was by consuming a bottle of whiskey, even though the relief was, tragically, temporary.
Allison distracted him sometimes, late in the evening, when they were in between the sheets, but he couldn’t bring himself to treat her well when he hated himself so much. He had only ever known abuse: His father had abused his mother, his grandfather had abused his grandmother, and he’d only ever learned that women were fucktoys to be abused and fucked—Nothing more. He was a deeply chauvinistic human who had too many regrets to count, and the Remington that remained locked in the box in the living room never failed to remind of his past, no matter how hard he tried to fight it. Commitment was a death sentence to the man, yet he wanted to follow tradition, and live in a cabin, and have a wife, even though, admittedly, he genuinely preferred a maid: Someone who cooked him apple pie, brought him his beer, and cleaned the house for him, but that wasn’t enough: His need for control overtook him, and, sooner than later, his demons took control of his fists as he punched his wife in the face, over and over again, whenever she complained about his behavior. He knew she had nowhere else to go, and his need for control overshadowed any feelings of love he may once have experienced, much to his dear wife’s dismay. He never told a soul about the murder, but sometimes, late at night, he saw Isabella in his mind, screaming in agony, the haunting memory following him to his grave.
When Will left on yet another fishing trip, committed to that far more than he was committed to her, Allison turned on the radio as she swept the floor, did the dishes, and folded the laundry. She found it cathartic: Her CDs were in a box underneath the bed, which was locked so that Will could not take them away from her.
“Peter Pan” by Kelsea Ballerini
The smile, the charm, the words, the spark
Everything, you had it
I guess I had a naive heart, cause boy
I let you have it
You said I was your only
I never thought you'd leave me lonely
You're just a lost boy, with your head up in the clouds
You're just a lost boy, never keep your feet on the ground
You're always gonna fly away, just because you know you can
You're never gonna learn there's no such place as Neverland
You don't understand
You'll never grow up
You're never gonna be a man
Deep down, I knew that you were too good to be true
But every piece and part of me wanted to believe in you
But now it's happily ever never
I guess now I know better
You're just a lost boy, with your head up in the clouds
You're just a lost boy, never keep your feet on the ground
You're always gonna fly away, just because you know you can
You're never gonna learn there's no such place as Neverland
You don't understand
You'll never grow up
You're never gonna be a man
Peter Pan
You're just a lost boy, yeah, I know who you are
You don't know what you lost, boy
You're too busy chasing stars
You're always gonna fly away, just because you know you can
You're never gonna learn there's no such place as Neverland
You don't understand
You'll never grow up
You're never gonna be a man
Yeah, you'll never grow up
And you're never gonna be a man
Peter Pan
Never gonna be a man
The blue sky was the painting of melancholy steeped in sunshine. The blue was vibrant, like so many other things: The ocean, sadness, broken hearts. Will was drinking whiskey, trying to wash the blues away. Suddenly, the clouds came in and the rain came down like tears from heaven. He didn’t know why he treated her the way he did. He guessed all of his demons got the best of him and he’d danced around with damnation every night since then. He guessed he’d never know how much he’d hurt her heart, but, really, he guessed he was scared. He guessed he kept telling himself he couldn’t control himself when he abused her, but he knew that wasn’t true. The truth was, he loved the way she loved him so much. He wished desperately that he could be who she wished he was, but he simply couldn’t. He couldn’t let her in. He couldn’t love her back because she fell in love with him so easily and he didn’t have to earn a thing. He did actually feel like he’d won the lottery.
He got off on it if he was being totally honest. His penis erected just a little bit every time he witnessed her crying, every time he knew she was breaking inside like a precious vase. He hated himself for it, but he couldn’t let go of the stimulation he felt: the adrenaline rushing through his veins. Damn, she really was a beauty: dark brown hair that got curly every time it rained and a smile that looked like she must have been from Heaven. She was too damn good for him and he knew it. Maybe that’s why he screwed up so many times: he subconsciously thought she deserved someone better than him.
Before his demons took over, Will had once been a happy man, and, for a short while, he had been able to love his darling wife. Tragically, she had clung on to that ray of hope like a dying olive branch, about to break from even the gentlest touch.
A song was playing in the background as he watched the sun rise.
“Walkaway Joe” by Trisha Yearwood
Mama told her baby girl to take it real slow
Girl told her momma hey I really gotta go
He's waiting in the car
Mama said girl you won't get far
Thus are the dreams of an average Jane
Ninety miles an hour down a lover's lane
On a tank of dreams
Oh, if she could have only seen
That fate's got cards that it don't want to show and
That boy's just a Walkaway Joe
Born to be a leaver
Tell you from the word "go"
Destined to deceive her
He's the wrong kind of paradise
She's gonna know it in a matter of time
That boy's just a Walkaway Joe
Just a little while into Abilene
He pulls into a station and he robs it clean
She's waitin' in the car
Underneath the Texaco star
She only wanted love
Never bargained for this
She can't help but love him for the way he is
She's only seventeen
And there ain't no reasoning
So she'll ride this ride
As far as it can go, 'cause
That boy's just a Walkaway Joe
Born to be a leaver
Tell you from the word "go"
Destined to deceive her
He's the wrong kind of paradise
She's gonna know it in a matter of time
That boy's just a Walkaway Joe
Somewhere in a roadside motel room
Alone in the silence she wakes up too soon
And reaches for his arms
But she'll just keep reachin' on
For the cold hard truth revealed what it had known
That boy's just a Walkaway Joe
Born to be a leaver
Tell you from the word "go"
Destined to deceive her
He's the wrong kind of paradise
But it was just another lesson in life
That boy's was a Walkaway Joe
All he was was a Walkaway Joe
Ooh, (Walkaway Joe)
He was a walkaway Joe
The next song came on, and, although Will wished he couldn’t relate to it, he most certainly could.
“Love the Way You Lie,” by Rihanna
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife, in my windpipe
I can't breathe, but I still fight, while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right, it's like I'm in flight
High off of love drunk from my hate
It's like I'm huffing paint and I love her the more I suffer
I suffocate and right before I'm about to drown
She resuscitates me, she fucking hates me
And I love it, wait
Where you going? I'm leaving you
No you ain't, come back
We're running right back, here we go again
It's so insane 'cause when it's going good, it's going great
I'm Superman, with the wind at his back, she's Lois Lane
But when it's bad, it's awful
I feel so ashamed, I snapped, who's that dude?
I don't even know his name, I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again, I guess I don't know my own strength
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe, when you're with them, you meet
And neither one of you, even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah them chills, used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick, of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face,
Spewing venom in your words, when you spit 'em
You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down, pin 'em, so lost in the moments, when you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over it controls you both
So they say it's best, to go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya 'cause today, that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it's a different day
Sound like broken records, playin' over, but you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game, but you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window, guess that's why they call it window pane
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
Now I know we said things, did things
That we didn't mean and we fall back into the same patterns
Same routine, but your temper's just as bad, as mine is
You're the same as me, when it comes to love, you're just as blinded
Baby please come back, it wasn't you
Baby it was me, maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much, to walk away now
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity, in my voice when I talk?
Told you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed, I'll aim my fist at the dry wall
Next time, there will be no next time
I apologize even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games, I just want her back, I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'm a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that's alright, because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that's alright, because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie